Past Questions: |
Question A friend of mine just found out that her 12 year old son had inappropriately touched (and had her touch him) her 8 year old daughter on two occasions. If she chooses to seek counseling for the two children, is the counselor legally obligated to report the abuse to the authorities? --------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... This is a great question that a lot of parents had when inappropriate touching goes on between siblings. Child counselors are mandated reporters and would be required to report these types of cases to child protection services. Parents themselves can also make such reports and are urged to do so. The fact that your friend is seeking help for her children would be viewed quite positively by authorities and would most likely be one of the outcomes of any type of investigation that is conducted for this family. The age difference between siblings and the finding that the older child initiated the touching is concerning and often in these cases the initiator of the touching has been sexually abused him/herself or exposed to inappropriate sexual activity. A thorough evaluation by professionals who deal with abuse in families will have the likely benefit of determining the treatment needs of the older brother and would help the younger sister process what happened to her, ensure she understand what sexual abuse is and teach her ways to protect herself in the future. Through such services, parents can also learn ways to be supportive of their children and develop appropriate boundaries at home. All in all, the goal is support for these children and the family and to make sure that no other children are victimized. I hope this helps your friend and think you for the difficult question that will hopefully help other families who are dealing with these same issues. Question: Problems helping someone close to us A sibling of mine was raped two times (and beaten during the rape) by a family member when we were kids and confided in me a few years ago. --------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... Not being able to help a loved one like you want to is so difficult...our heart goes out to you. Thoughts can come back to traumatize us...and that is why therapy can help because a therapist specializing in sexual abuse and eating disorders would be able to help her find ways to handle the situation. She must not only deal with the past, but her current relationship with the offender. Sometimes people remember fragments of experiences that they misinterpret as abuse too...so either way this interferes with her relationships because it is not out in the open and dealt with. Sexual abuse impacts our body image, as does attempts to change that body image through eating...the reason why she has gone in this direction is unique to what she has gone through and what she is thinking and feeling about the experience...so it is impossible to explain why she does what she does unless we know her thinking and how it relates to what she is doing. Trust that she is doing what she thinks is the best way to cope with her situation, not purposely harming herself for no reason. If we understood her reasoning, it would make sense what she is doing. People fear going to a therapist often because they think it won't help...how she remembered her event sounds similar to therapy in that sharing our thoughts and feelings we usually consider private is part of therapy in order for the therapist to understand what is going on. Other reasons people fear going is that they will be thought "crazy." The majority of us in our life time have problems severe enough to require expertise, but this is not known. And now with research there are some very effective ways therapists can work with their clients on a breadth of problems. People also fear they may be forced into doing things they do not wish to. However, no one can force her to do anything unless she is a danger to others or herself (immediate threat of suicide). So she can think of going to "consult"...she is the customer hiring a consultant...just like she would consult a lawyer, doctor, car mechanic, or insurance agent. Others think they can get help just by reading books...but clinical training and an objective consultant brings a different viewpoint for the person's particular needs. There are many cookbooks, but an expert chef knowing your particular tastes could readily cook up something special just for you which might take years of your searching and you might never find as some recipes are not written in books because some good chefs are out there cooking, not writing books. If people thought of seeing a mental health professional as a resource or as hiring a personal coach, it might be more acceptable to them. In some areas where psychologists are better known and used widely, people go for life problems that are not so severe, finding that there is nothing scary about seeing a professional when things get more out of control. Some people are just embarrassed, thinking they should be able to help themselves. But they do not understand that being human we all need help and everyone finds ways to obtain help for what they need, so they should do what people recommend and commit to giving it a good try...at least 10 sessions, not just one or two times, to allow things to work. But after 10 sessions she should find some benefit and see the value of continuing. If not, she should seek a different professional that she can gain from. Search the area and find the best therapist you can. If cost is one of the prohibitive factors, find ways to work with her on that. Perhaps she will see a medical doctor for her physical needs. Help her see whatever she is doing, is not working and she needs to do something different. Women centers are places where people can join different "courses" or groups dealing with certain issues. These can be helpful. Find out resources in her area and help her survey the options. There are many resources in the state you mention. Seek a professional near her to just find out what is available there. Family members consulting mental health professionals to go over options is often very helpful. |
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--------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... We are sorry to hear about this. It happens too often to children. Often those who have a problem, do start in their teens, though you do not say what age he was when he touched you and your sister.
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Question: Concerning a young woman who remembered being raped by a family member as a child a few years ago...since then she has deteriorated in her health, work and social relationships. A sibling writes that they have urged therapy which the sister refuses, and she has continued losing weight and the sibling wants to help and asks us to help. Specific questions asked: Has the remembrance of the rape from her childhood traumatized her? Why the focus on her weight? Is it all she can control- so she is letting herself become anorexic? How can group therapy help? --------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... How difficult it is when family members do not seek treatment! Psychological science has developed so that we have many effective ways to deal with so many types of problems...including being raped/sexually abused as a child, depression, eating disorders, and other problems. Group therapy as well as individual therapy in many instances has proved to be helpful as a place where members can see that others are impacted similarly, it reduces the stigma of having a problem when one sees one is not alone, coping methods can be shared, and methods for dealing with the issues and coping can be learned and practiced. The remembrance has brought back the issues and perhaps as an adult, she has even stronger feelings now that she realizes how she had been taken advantage of, betrayed, how it has impacted her, and the anger at the alleged offender for not having any consequences brought against him. Often there are related eating disorders with sexual abuse which may be related to the sexual abuse in many different ways. There is such a stigma in our society about seeking help for ourselves. Each of us really needs a mental health specialist in our corner just as we have a physical health specialist we often regularly see. We all have problems. Yet if our car has a problem, most of us don't hesitate to take it to a specialist (car mechanic), an expert to help make it function more smoothly. Similarly, if we or a family member has a problem in living, we need to find an expert to help us function more smoothly. The experts in problems in living, eating, sexual abuse, or social life are mental health professionals, psychologists, counselors, therapists, and what is now termed more positively sometimes as "life coaches." Some suggestions: 1. Refer her to her physician for a medical check up...there may be other things going on with her medically if she is losing weight. The physician may also be able to refer her for psychological treatment if appropriate. 2. It sounds like you have urged your sister to therapy, a mental health professional...and perhaps using the above analogy might be more palatable, or use terminology such as have her "consult" an expert who deals with life problems...or "life coach" might help. 3. consult referral sources in the area in which she lives (call the Health Department, crisis lines, Women Centers, in Brevard County Florida: dial "211" which will give much information on where she might go to find help and how they might help you get her in treatment). 4. finances are sometimes the barrier that inhibits some people from seeking help. Often there are resources, Women's Centers" in areas where there are fees adjusted to level of income. Or talk to her about this issue and problem solve. 5. Refer her to read some books that might help her understand what the impact of sexual abuse is on a woman. You can read also sources for helping. 6. If you feel her life is in immediate danger, you can consult a psychiatrist in her community about arranging for mandating hospitalization for her so she can obtain treatment. Again, the County Health Department might be a good referral source. 7. There is a concern that the family member whom she says raped her, may be still at risk for abusing others. You do not indicate the answers here. Perhaps approaching her on this basis would help review what risks there are now, what should be done, how it will impact the family, whether it is true, how to handle the situation together. When there are active steps to deal with the issue, then there may be a positive direction towards growth. 8. She might consult a lawyer to identify if there are any legal actions she can take at this point...either criminal or civil. Although, that is often more traumatic going through a trial unless there is irrefutable evidence. When one is a child or has suppressed memories, it is understandable why legal actions were not taken at the time. Consulting a lawyer and exploring options in itself might be empowering. Often Women Centers have legal consultants informed about these issues. You also may call a mental health professional in your area to get further ideas and ask for experts in the areas of concern to consult. Letting her know you care, want to help, and being there for her, even to travel long distances, is invaluable. May all of us be and have such caring siblings. Thank you for your question, others may also benefit from your taking initiative. |
Question: Remember that using this question web page means to ask your question is anonymous and I cannot reply directly back to you unless you send me your email address. Since this question seems not to necessarily be relevant to this web site, you may email again providing an email address or a telephone number where I may contact you personally and/or anonymously and give you more detailed information. --------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... e.g.Please call the Family Learning Program at 321-604-5898 or our Community Psychological Services (CPS) Office 321-727-9956. We serve all... |
Where can I get an application?
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How can I find out more about the Family Learning Program?
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As a spouse, how can I know when there is sexual abuse in my household?
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What should I do if my child tells me they were sexually abused? If you ask the alleged abuser and the person actually did the abuse, |
How do I find a therapist or consultant who is expert on or specializes in offenders? ITo find someone in your geographical area who is knowledgeable about child sexual abuse |
How do I find a consultant who is expert on child victims? American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children. |
Hello, grateful to have found your site...never thought I would have to personally seek info. Let me first say that all of my life, I have had extreme feelings of almost hatred along with total disgust towards sex offenders, particularly those who abuse children. .... Because I personally feel that when issues arise in my life, particularly due to meeting a person and being exposed to a part of life or society I haven't had access to, I feel it my duty to be educated. It doesn't mean I am going to accept it, but I need to be educated. Does that make sense? I believe If I don't take this opportunity, it will arise again in some form or another. Believe me, I wish I could ignore, pretend, hate, all of that...but me being who I am, can't. What I am hoping to get from you is information to try and learn as much as I can. So...where do I start? Can I disprove my set in stone beliefs? Can I get information to attempt to understand things that are so uncomfortable for me that I have actually vomited with the thought? I know I need to do this, yet I don't want to! ... Can you help me begin? --------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer to your questions... We admire your willingness to learn...and you are right to have caution. What a task you have brought about for yourself. It is important to learn as much about sexual offending as possible, as knowledge is power. Most people have many different misunderstandings of child sexual abuse. Without understanding, either children are left unprotected or offenders are unfairly treated. 1. our website: www.fit.edu/flp
2. consultation.
3.Books.
Leberg, Eric.(1997). Understanding Child Molesters, Taking Charge. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications This book is written by a parole officer who describes case histories of offenders and explains how many offenders deny, blame others, manipulate others, and engage in deception and secrecy. It talks about how children are "groomed" and persuaded to engage in sexual acts with them. There is a chapter called, "You and the offender" explaining how to relate to an offender, be vigilant, communicate and confront. Another on Probation officer and corrections agency and one on Community-based treatment for child molesters There are a few other books you could read to help you understand some of the issues which might be of concern and help you understand that with treatment some sex offenders have benefited immensely and worked hard to stop others as well as themselves from ever offending again. These may be particularly helpful: Adams, C., & Fay, J. (1981). No More Secrets: Protecting Your Child from Sexual Assault. San Luis Obispo, CA, Impact Publishers. Adams, Karen and Fay, Jennifer. (1989). Free of the Shadows. Oakland, CA New Harbinger Publications, Inc Bass, Ellen and Thornton, Louise. (1983). I Never Told Anyone. New York, NY: Harper and Row, Publishers. Cleveland, Dianne. (1986). Incest : The Story of Three Women. Lexington, MA: . Lexington Books. Crowley, Patricia. (1991). Not My Child. New York, NY: Avon Books. Faller, Kathleen. (1990). Understanding Child Sexual Maltreatment. Newsbury Park, CA: Sage Publications, Inc. Gil, Eliana, Ph.D. and Bodmer-Turner, Jeffery. (1994). Someone in My Family Has Molested Children. Rockville, MD. Launch Press. Hagans, K.B. & Case, J. (1988). When your child has been molested. A parent's guide to healing and recovery. Lexington,MA: Lexington Books. LC 87-46364 ISBN 0-669-17980-(9 paper 9.95) Hillman, D.; Solek-Tefft, J. (1988). Spiders and flies: Help for parents and teachers of sexually abused children. Lexington, MA, England: Lexington Books/D. C. Heath and Com. Lowenstein, L. F. (1998). Paedophilia: The sexual abuse of children, its occurrence, diagnosis & treatment. Knebworth, England: Able Publishing Salter, A.C. (1988). Treating Child Sex Offenders and Victims, A Practical Guide. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications. (also FITEL) Salter, A. C. (2003). Predators: Pedophiles, rapists, and other sex offenders: Who they are, how they operate, and how we can protect ourselves and our children. New York, NY, US: Basic Books, Inc. Schwartz, Barbara K. and Cellini, Henry R. (1995). The Sex Offender. Kingston, NJ. Civic Research Intitute, Inc. Schwartz, Barbara K. and Cellini, Henry R. (1997). The Sex Offender II. Kingston, NJ. Civic Research Intitute, Inc. van Dam, C. (2001). Identifying child molesters: Preventing child sexual abuse by recognizing the patterns of the offenders. Binghamton, NY, US: Haworth Maltreatment and Trauma Press/The Haworth Press, Inc |
Answer to Question, sent Monday 30 Aug 2004. Thank you for writing. I appreciate your concern for your daughter's safety. I would be happy to talk in more detail with you about the issues you raise but not via the website. Remember I will not put up details on the web to reveal anyone's particular situation. This is to preserve privacy and safety. You ask a complex question and perhaps I would need more information to give you relevant information. For example, you did not say how old the child is and was when the touching occurred and revealed. That would make a difference as to my answer as would answers to other questions I have. Therefore, with concerns of specific situations instead of general questions please 1. telephone me (321-674-8104) or |